Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
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SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
wow
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out