Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
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I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.