[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
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My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?