DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
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My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
#milo
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.