Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
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“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie