djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
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I have so many questions.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Dolls on drugs
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail