DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
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Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.