Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
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“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
at ease…shoulder.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
No, I don’t think I will.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???