dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
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If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.