DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
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Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe