Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
You Might Also Like
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.