DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
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My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
The French cow says MEUX…
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.