@mydmac

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

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@NurseMurderer

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

@PJTLynch

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

@BonaFideIntent

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

@Goofpoops

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

@VaguelyFunnyDan

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

@shanethevein

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

@roggyie

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

@mattytalks

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch