@hythemafia How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
@donnie_fairburn DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
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@hythemafia 
@IndecisiveJones zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
@Mom_Overboard Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
@LittleMissLizz I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
@Shade510 Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
@MommaUnfiltered I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
@notacroc Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
@ScaryMommy “Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
@david8hughes [last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
@Author_jo_jo Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.