DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
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A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.