@donnie_fairburn

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

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@hythemafia

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

@IndecisiveJones

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

@Mom_Overboard

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

@LittleMissLizz

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

@Shade510

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

@MommaUnfiltered

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

@notacroc

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

@ScaryMommy

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

@Author_jo_jo

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.