DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

You Might Also Like


How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12


zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment


Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.


I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.


Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.


I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.


Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best


“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood


[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”


Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.