DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
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I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.