@SomeChrisTweets

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

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@spaceboyriley

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

@stats_canada

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

@c8h10n4o2m

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

@urmumsausername

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

@BenOnus_Kenobus

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

@HaliPhacks

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

@JB4Realz

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

@lazerdoov

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

@ThugRaccoons

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?