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Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu


I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.


It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity


Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.


At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?


Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…


Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.


[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.


The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold


KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?