Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
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*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.