Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
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“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What?!?
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales