Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
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What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by