*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
You Might Also Like
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.