Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
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Imagine having a party on purpose.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
#MeanwhileinCanada
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I know
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?