Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
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The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Holy crap this is wonderful
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.