Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
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Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.