do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
You Might Also Like
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[canadians at you, canadianly]
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.