@AndyShulk

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

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@C00LpenNAME

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

@carlyken

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

@imdaintyaf

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

@stephenjmolloy

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

@MsLisaM

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

@daontofuck

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

@LadyBroseph

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

@Trudski2012

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

@truegritrumble

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

@RogueGod

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.