Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
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I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie