@AndyShulk

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

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@ilovepie84

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

@causticbob

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

@AngieDavisHaha

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

@AwsomeHairDay

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

@Paxochka

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

@dubstep4dads

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

@dimplesticks

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

@timdonakowski

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.