Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
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“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.