Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
You Might Also Like
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities