Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
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ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
🍛
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Why soy sad?
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
😂😂
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad: