Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
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My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
asked my bf how work was today
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!