Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
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I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Yep.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.