@peachesanscream

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

You Might Also Like

@Lindsieeee

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

@BerrymoreBlue

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

@iinkedZombie

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

@iGreenGod

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

@BKLYNBeeyotch

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

@UncleDuke1969

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

@Lisabug74

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

@EmberToAsh

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”