Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
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It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
courtroom exchange of the day
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
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How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…