Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

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My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!


Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”


The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.


My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.


Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:


[loud knocking]


Me: Prove it.


Me: Sing “Roxanne.”


The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.


I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”