Do ducks feel sad?
No, they feel “down”cast.
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In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
😂😂
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Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake![]()
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My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated