Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
It do be feeling this way.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
This is me
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?