Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
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*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
what’s really going on
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’