Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
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That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Rather alarming headline…
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.