Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
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My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
“you recording!?”
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you