Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude