DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
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Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.