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Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”