Do I believe in jinxes? Let me put it this way: I dropped and broke a mirror and one month later I was married.
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If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes![]()
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.