Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
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How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.