@TheThomason

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

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@stevevsninjas

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

@BlackCatBettie

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

@sweetg35

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

@VancityReynolds

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

@EllaZee5

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

@donni

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

@Gre_Gone

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

@DomBorrett

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story