Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

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Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?


If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.


If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!


The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.


if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer


If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.


A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages


This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in


Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk


I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story