Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
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I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
i will not be silenced
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying