Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
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Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”