do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
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I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.