Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
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“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Truth
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?