Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
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Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”