Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
You Might Also Like
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
🤭😂
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.