Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
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Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?