Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
You Might Also Like
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn