@Book_Krazy Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
@naazihah “Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
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@Book_Krazy 
@panmidwest ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
@BasicLyes People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
@CynicalTherapi1 When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
@Cryptoterra NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
@Ivsy01 Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
@RichNeville Found something new to say when I leave a room.
@ParkerMolloy Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
@dinnersruined DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
@jonnysun *at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn