@naazihah

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

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@Book_Krazy

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

@panmidwest

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

@BasicLyes

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.

@CynicalTherapi1

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

@Cryptoterra

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

@Ivsy01

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

@dinnersruined

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

@jonnysun

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn