“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
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Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy