Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
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*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.