Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
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Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish