DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
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me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
i want to work in this restaurant
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Boating season is upon us.