DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
At least broken people are interesting. You can鈥檛 fix boring.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 馃檪
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I鈥檓 still upset that my parents didn鈥檛 support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
[friend at his party] I think we鈥檙e just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
My problem isn鈥檛 that I lose all my chapsticks. It鈥檚 just that I don鈥檛 remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.