Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
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Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.