*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
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The booster protects against what, now?
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”