Do not levitate over flowers
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When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge